The holidays are about…

 

“Love for one another.

Forgiveness.

Generosity.

Time.

Music.

Children’s laughter. 

Reminiscing with loved ones.

Remembering those who are alone.

The making of new memories.”  

–Toni Sorenson

 

Recently, I had what seemed like an interminable breakfast with a melacholic woman who had had polio as a child. As we crunched together on our toast, she moaned and groaned, bewailing the fact that she was so afraid of being lonely in her old age. As I listened and sipped on my orange juice, her grief and fear became mine for a moment. I felt her pain. I worried. It had become financially and physically tough for her to travel anymore. Her adult children never came to visit. Her brother and sister were wrapped up in their own families. She didn’t see her friends very often. Actually, by the time our final cups of coffee were poured, this early morning encounter had become a lop-sided monologue of misery that might have completely exhausted other listeners. If complaining was her modus operandi, I impatiently wondered if her gloominess might be keeping people away.

Maybe not, but I felt heartsick for her. When we each finally paid our tabs, I was more than ready to escape her dour trap of torment and get “the heck” out of there.

But this emotionally toxic breakfast meeting got me thinking.

Something needed to be done! I wanted to help because I am sure that feeling forgotten and forsaken doesn’t have to be true for her–or anyone really– especially at this time of year.

NOBODY needs to be alone during the holidays…

So, I thought, if she can’t go see the people she loves, then how could she make her home a happy place for friends and family to visit?  How could she attract people to her space?

Assuming her friends would include those who were disabled as well as those who were non-disabled, here are some ideas for first, short visits; and second, longer holiday sleep-overs.

 

11 Tips for Hosting

Short Holiday Visits

Perhaps our friend would like to have someone over one afternoon or evening for a festive holiday visit. Here are 11 pointers she could take into consideration:

1. Be sure the house is clean. If needed, pet odors must be eliminated.

2. Have  a few holiday amenities in the house such as a festive flower arrangement or a holiday candle to light. Use scented candles, room sprays, or diffusers in seasonal scents to give off a warm, holiday-ready feel.

3. Have light refreshments ready. Coffee, tea, and simple holiday pastries can be inexpensive and easy to serve.

4. If  her guests include babies or small children, she should be sure to store away any potentially harmful objects or decor in her home, and do any necessary childproofing of furniture before the visit.

5. When friends and family arrive at her home, warmhearted welcomes set the tone for a delightful visit . She needs to ready-up to share hugs and smiles generously. More than that, it’s essential that she keep conversations as positive as possible. This is not the time for complaining, sarcasm, whining or  criticizing. People need to be affirmed and strengthened.

6. She needs to remember that this holiday visit is mostly about the joy of relationships. It helps to be a great listener. (Wouldn’t it be so nurturing and warmhearted if she and her guest had somehow previously agreed to a 50-50 listening policy—she listens half the time to them and they listen half the time to her? Now that’s a reciprocal relationship! )

7. Make sure her guests leave on a sweet note by sending them home with some dessert leftovers or other pack-able souvenir that is reminiscent of their time together.

The following additional suggestions are offered by Linda Wheeler Donahue, polio survivor and good-hearted hostess from Southbury, Connecticut.   Linda writes:

I love to surround myself with friends and family at the holidays.  However, I cannot travel to see them, so I had to think of ways to draw them to me, instead.  Here are some tips that work for me. 

8. I plan a theme night to make it fun right from the start. One year, the theme was red.  I asked friends and family to dress in red.  What fun when everyone came through the door in their crimson attire. And after all, the holidays are often expressed in the color red.  I made certain invitees knew that I did not expect them to go to any major expense.  If they did not have much red in their closet, even just a red scarf would do.  You would be surprised at the smiles when friends arrived.  How unifying it is to all wear the same color, it says, “We’re all in the Red Club.”  Our group photo was very dramatic and festive!

9. The notion of producing a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings is no longer possible for me. Therefore, to make the gathering work for my increasing post polio disability, I invite friends to come on a date near to the major holiday but not precisely on the holiday.  For example, I avoid Thanksgiving Day and invite friends for the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I avoid Christmas and have my gathering on Boxing Day.  Rather than do a New Year’s Eve party, I invite friends for New Year’s Day when all the pressure is off.

10. Intimidated by trying to replicate the idyllic holidays I grew up with, it finally occurred to me that I could start my own traditions. I decided to embrace “polio friendly” entertaining.  It all starts with an e-vite in which I suggest 3 potential dates for the get-together.  Folks talk openly about which of three suggested dates works for them and they can see who else is being invited.  I prepare the main course, such as a roast turkey, baked ham, or prime rib of beef.  I ask the guests to bring a side dish to go along with the roast.

11. Rather than a traditional feast, I have given myself permission to do far less work than produce a sit-down meal. Instead, I create a buffet table of foods that contains nostalgic aromas and holiday flavors of the season.  Since spices take center stage during the holidays, I prepare dishes with their bold flavors and hot-sweet nuances.  I like to do a hassle-free buffet menu that features recipes that can be made ahead of time and served at room temperature, leaving me time to enjoy my guests.  From dips to desserts, my goal is to offer a wide selection of foods to choose from so that each guest leaves with a smile and a full tummy.  I ask a few close family members to come the day before and help out with the preparations.

So, while I am unable to enter the homes of my friends and family, I have come up with some welcoming ways to encourage them to come to me instead. 

 

7 Tips for Hosting Visitors Who Will Be 

Staying Several Nights

Our friend may want to invite friends or family to stay at her home for an extended holiday visit. Here are some ideas for her to consider:

1. She could clear out some space in her home’s entryway. Depending on the climate where she lives, her guests may have bulky coats, boots, and other cold-weather accessories. To keep that stuff neatly out of the way during their stay, she should arrange for plenty of extra room by the front door and in her coat closet beforehand.

2. If her guests have a disability, she could:

• Make sure her house has flat entrances, appropriate adaptive aids ready for guests with disabilities such as bath benches, raised toilet seats, hand held shower heads.
• Set up cupboards, tables, lamps, etc. so they have appropriate “reach-ability” for all she and her guests need to touch and access.
• Provide generous circulation areas–for example, can wheelchairs turn full circle in important spaces like kitchens and bathrooms?
• Monitor if her home ergonomics are appropriate–can a guest actually sit comfortably in either that hard wooden chair or on that huge overstuffed couch?
• Consider her home electronics–is there a remote control for the TV that is guest-handy? Are there convenient outlets, perhaps power strips, for phone chargers? Can electric scooters be parked and charged easily?

3. Before guests arrive, make up their beds with a fresh set of sheets and set out towels and washcloths for each guest. Write a personalized, heartfelt, handwritten note thanking them for making the trip and place it on their bed. It doesn’t cost much, but it’ll generate a ton of good will.  Have an assortment of personal items at the ready in the guest room– everyday toiletries such as toothbrushes and toothpaste, tissues, lotion, and fresh soaps are a given, but extra touches like a pair of cozy cashmere socks to snuggle in and a good book are thoughtful and appreciated.

4. Make guests feel at home by stocking a cabinet with snacks and pantry staples for whenever the munchies strike. Also, have things like fruit and veggies on hand, and simply show guests where they’re all located when they arrive so they can feel free to dig in.

5. To help bond and bring out the holiday spirit at home, plan an activity family and guests can do together — and involve the kids too. Whether they decorate cookies or wrap gifts as a group, everyone will feel a sense of togetherness that will diffuse any tension or stress from the craziness of the season. Ask them in advance what they would most like to do during their visit. Then try to do it. They deserve to feel well-loved and special during the time she is hosting them.

6. Be a person who gives guests a chance to comfortably relax and contribute. Ask them their preferences for things to do and places to go throughout the visit. On the flip side, know that guests don’t want to wear their host out. Our friend can let them know what she needs, such as when she requires a break; whether it’s a walk, a nap, an early bedtime, or a solo trip to the store. Her guests don’t expect her to be their slave, so she can enlist their help to clear dishes, prepare food, and set the table. Getting everyone involved evokes togetherness and holiday spirit, and prevents all from going crazy. Delegate!

7. Finally, the biggest thing for her to remember is that her friends/parents/in-laws are, with the occasional exception, there to enjoy her company, not to judge her or her home’s resemblance to a Better Homes and Gardens holiday feature.  She should take a deep breath, trust that her guests are grown-up enough to find their way around, and stop fluffing pillows and clearing dishes long enough to let herself genuinely enjoy their time together.

It will be over all too soon. At least, until next time.

We can only hope that the softhearted spirit of the holiday season echos in her guests’ minds and hearts well after they are gone.  And that their departing words reverberate and bless her all year long: “there MUST be a next time!”

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Have yourself a merry little EVERYTHING!

 

˜˜Many thanks to this article’s contributors:  Linda Wheeler Donahue, Frank Frisina, Martha Stewart.com, Rosalie Meyer and Susan Rasmussen˜˜

 

 

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How do you celebrate the holidays with your family and friends?

Any additional suggestions for our forlorn breakfast companion?

Any insights you’d like to share about successfully enjoying the holidays as you are also living with polio?

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