“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually                     listening to what another has to say.”                                    — Bryant H. McGill

I’d like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank all of the people in our lives who give us the absolutely priceless gift of respectfully and deeply listening to us.

They draw near, take the time and look us straight in the eye. They take turns. They give us 50% of the conversation. They are the people who ask questions like “how are you, really?” and actually wait for the answer. Then they give us their full attention and refuse to be distracted by interfering interruptions. They also refrain from becoming interruptive conversation cloggers, themselves.

How do we feel when someone is listening intently?

It is such a good good feeling when people pay attention to what we are saying to them. It tells us that we matter. We are understood.  When effective listening happens, we can sense that all of us are interconnected and influential. When a person listens to us, we are reminded that we too have a valid place in the world. What we think, feel and say is to be considered, deliberated and responded to. When that happens we don’t shut down. We break out of solitary confinement. Then we are better able to share our gifts and talents with the rest of the world.

How do we feel when the person we are with does not listen to what we are saying?

Insignificant. Irrelevant. Empty. Not to mention, invisible. And it seems that being surrounded by non-listeners is more common than not. It is what I have come to expect at least 80% of the time.

Not listening cuts us off from the person we are with. As non-listeners we miss out on the gifts that others offer us. In fact, everybody loses. The speaker loses a sense of validation and the non-listener loses the opportunity to choose a deeper, more intimate relationship.

We have all experienced that non-listener who seems to fall into one of the following two categories…

First, there are the people who pounce on us and insist we respond to their self-centered agenda. They dominate the conversation and ceaselessly talk 90% of our time together–seems either desperate or narcissistic. It gets to the point where we are scared to even ask, “how are you?” That will start their long monologue that ends with them cutting us off saying, “Well, it was great talking to you,” rather than WITH you!  Then, “ta-ta!” they abruptly disappear, leaving us in a heap. As hard as they may try to appear considerate, what they say often comes across as “Enough about me…now…what do YOU think of me?”

Second, there is the non-listener who, when we are about to share an important thought or feeling, drifts off after the first 20 seconds. They have no intent to listen and their lack of interest in what we have to say makes us feel devalued. Being neglected in this way can actually feel like a subtle form of abuse.

Listening is caring.

“Listening is such a simple act.  It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else.  We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise.  We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.”

                                                                         ~ Margaret J. Wheatley

Well actually, there’s a little more.  If we want to improve our relationships and become better listeners (and closer friends), it does involve consciously practicing a few important skills:

• First, we have to want to become a better listener. It requires that we have the desire, commitment and patience it takes to enter into the other person’s world of thought and feeling with openhearted acceptance. There is no room for critical condemnation at the time a person is sharing deeply personal feelings.
• It also requires deliberate focus on the other person. In the dynamic of you vs. them, this is about them. I try to focus completely without being distracted– especially by any technology we are carrying, like smart phones. Rather than spending time mentally formulating a response to what they are saying, instead it’s important to concentrate fully on what the other person is trying to fully express.
• I think in a friendship role, good listening should be a 50-50 bargain. I listen during half the conversation, and my friend listens to me during the other half.  Seems fair to me, unless my friend is going through something really heavy and needs to talk more than usual.
• As a listener, I need to listen to my friend’s words and pick up on their body language at the same time.
• I need to nod in affirmation of a point my friend is making.
• I can reflect my friend’s thought back, re-phrasing it, showing them I got it.
• I also want to ask pertinent questions for clarification.

Having good listeners in our life can be an invaluable gift. And with a little intent, focus and practice we can not only strengthen our relationships, but offer that gift of listener-love to so many people.

–My sincere thanks to this article’s co-authors, Linda Wheeler Donahue, Rosalie Meyer and Susan Rasmussen.–

Any comments?  Ever felt invisible?

Ever wanted to talk about living with polio, but were afraid of being tuned out?

You matter.

We’re listening very closely, waiting for your thoughts…