Happy Halloween!

Oh dear… a rather spoooooky group… but at least they found each other!

This newest post is from my wise friend, Joyce Tepley.

If you have ever feared loneliness or know someone who seems way too lonesome, you must read it.

Joyce shines a very bright light on this issue.

Sunny

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The last time I felt lonely was in college about 50 years ago. I was lonely for a boyfriend. I didn’t have one. So it is hard for me to relate to someone who says he or she is lonely.

I can understand and appreciate being lonely after someone you are particularly close to dies, like your spouse or best friend. You ache for those precious moments of heart-felt sharing that you will not have anymore. Those playful times that are inside jokes that only you and she knew about. There is only one thing to do, and that is grieve for a while.

That’s not the lonely I am writing about here. I am referring to the loneliness that comes from rejection. Not you being rejected, but by you not taking responsibility for rejecting the myriad opportunities for connection.

I was listening to a recorded question and answer session of a psychiatrist named David Hawkins . He wrote several books about human values and how we are all connected or one with the universe. Sounds esoteric but he was quite practical in his approach to living a life of integrity. Someone in the audience was brave enough to self-disclose that he could not FEEL love from others who said they loved him. Dr. Hawkins, without skipping a beat said, “So you REJECT love.” In those few words he turned it back to the man to consider taking full responsibility for CHOOSING his emotional position in life. Our feelings don’t just happen to us, we choose them. Loneliness is a choice.

Maybe you are shy and that’s your excuse for not meeting new people or cultivating, like a garden, your existing friends and family. Get over it! Gregariousness is a skill that can be learned. I was extremely shy in high school because I felt so different in my polio-ravaged body with my crooked hunch back. My classmates were kind, didn’t seem to notice that I was no different from them, and they included me in everything they did. I was fortunate not to be teased and bullied. But I also made an effort to fit in and get over my shyness. I devoured Dale Carnegie’s book, How To Win Friends and Influence People. It worked for me. I practiced what he suggested like asking people questions about themselves and starting conversations. Most people are willing to talk about themselves given half a chance. He said, LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. It’s an art.

After summoning the courage to ask questions of strangers I happened to be sitting next to just for practice sake, then listening to their responses, I soon got more comfortable and it actually became fun. I met some fascinating people.

Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., is director of the Center for Progressive Development and recently wrote an article on the Huffington Post called “How Positive Relationships Help You Grow and Thrive.” He reported on a study done at Carnegie Melon and UC Santa Barbara that concluded how necessary positive human connection is for our emotional and physical health. The study was about the kind of support that makes one feel understood, validated and cared for, not weak, needy and restricting of one’s self-determination. Positive support from others, not only encourages our resilience during a crisis, but helps us grow to a greater level of well-being. The article ended with, “…. accepting support when needed, and being willing and able to provide support in return, helps cultivate the types of mutually caring relationships that enable people to thrive.”

Every single one of the people I interviewed for my research on what it takes to thrive through difficult times said they couldn’t make it without the support from family, friends, paid helpers, acquaintances, people they knew through organizations they belonged to, medical personnel, people on the street who offered help, store workers they came in contact with on a regular basis, and even their pets. The list of support people goes on and on for a thriver. But then, they also told me how much they give of their time and talents to others. No matter if they had paid employment or not, all the thrivers I interviewed volunteered for other organizations. I need to mention that these thrivers all had severe and long-term physical disabilities. You can read their stories and what they attribute their abilities to thrive to in my book Thriving Through It-How They Do It: What It Takes to Transform Trauma Into Triumph. Sunny has been kind enough to review it and let me write this piece on her site.

If I seem harsh or unsympathetic, please forgive me. It upsets me to see or hear of people closing themselves off from the banquet that is out there, the beauty of connection, and the nourishment of being with others who uplift us. I treasure and count on my solitude to recharge me but I gain strength from those I can laugh and cry with.

Don’t limit yourself. If you are depressed, get help. True clinical depression does alter our brain and body chemistry and short term use of medications can be of great benefit in ‘jump starting’ our brains to feel better. If you are afraid, push yourself to take one baby step at a time, like first monitoring your self-talk. If you hear in your head words like ‘I can’t,’ ‘who cares,’ ‘I don’t know where to start,’ change those words to ‘Yes, I can. I just need to learn how.’ ‘I care. And I don’t live in anyone else’s brain or body to know if they care or not.’ ‘I’ll start by smiling more, reading inspiring stories, stop complaining, stop watching bad news that I can’t do anything about, learn to be the kind of person I enjoy being around. I’ll start a conversation in line at the grocery store. I won’t make a big deal out of it. I’ll just do it.’  Nowadays we don’t even have to leave the comfort of our own homes to meet people and have meaningful conversations or just chit-chat. Sometimes these cyber relationships become more. One of my best friends, who also had polio, met her husband online. They’ve been happily married over 10 years now, believe it or not.

I could go on and on and I haven’t even covered social media sources. We’ll save that for the next time. I just heard about these Meet Up groups online that are loosely organized networking groups around topics of mutual interest, like knitting, the small house movement, tea, cooking. You name it, there is one. Check them out. Google ‘Meet Up Groups.’ You do know how to Google, don’t you?

Joyce Ann Tepley

Author of…

 

info@thriverlivingcommunity.com

www.thriverlivingcommunity.com

www.thrivingthroughit.wordpress.com

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P.S. If you’ve never read How to Win Friends and Influence People, there is no time like the present!  It’s a MUST for people who need people.

–Sunny

Read Dale Carnegie’s classic book. Click here!

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It would be great to hear from you about this topic.  Does having a post-polio disability set you apart from others?

Do you think loneliness could actually be a choice?

Let’s chat.

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